


"blueberry milk" would be a terrible title

by Elendraug



Series: a gift horse in the mouth [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bulges and Nooks (Homestuck), Cameras, Dialoglogs (Homestuck), Dom/sub Undertones, Gags, Horse Jokes, M/M, Overstimulation, Polyamory, Robot Sex, Sexting, Threesome - M/M/M, Xeno, sexting with Dirk specifically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:55:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22962016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elendraug/pseuds/Elendraug
Summary: DAVE: you ready to get served my dudeEQUIUS: YesDAVE: i cant hear you i said are you ready to get served like a dude on butler islandEQUIUS: YesDAVE: speak up man are you ready to get SERVED like a chili dog delivered at a sonic by the hedgehog himselfDAVE: im talking motherfucking soap shoesDAVE: are you READYEQUIUS: Yes, as we've establishedHAL: I think he's ready.
Relationships: Auto-Responder | Lil Hal/Dave Strider, Auto-Responder | Lil Hal/Dave Strider/Equius Zahhak, Auto-Responder | Lil Hal/Equius Zahhak, Dave Strider/Equius Zahhak
Series: a gift horse in the mouth [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1650124
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24





	"blueberry milk" would be a terrible title

**Author's Note:**

  * For [oncewewerezombies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/oncewewerezombies/gifts).



> this was written in a frenzy in one evening, it's a fun challenge to imply everything through dialogue
> 
> context is that among other body options, hal has one that's a robot horse like if they'd gone all-in on the rufioh situation, so if that's gonna freak you out probably don't read on but it's 100% hal's robo-body and not an actual horse
> 
> and also:
> 
> _HAL, WHO COULD ABSOLUTELY BE PILOTING THIS ALL HIMSELF BUT IS LETTING EQUIUS DO IT WAY MORE CLUNKILY WITH A REMOTE CONTROL HE TOOK FROM AN R/C TRUCK:_   
>  _EQUIUS, WHO IS SHAKING FROM HOW MANY TIMES HE'S PAILED:_
> 
> also also, regarding the pixellated/censored horse dong:
> 
> _TG: nothing gets me harder than jpeg artifact_   
>  _HAL: I know this and I support you._
> 
> enjoy \></

HAL: Hey, you're doing real good, bud. Aren't you?  
HAL: Don't forget, though—this is in your hands.  
HAL: Hooves. Whatever.  
HAL: You have a remote control for a reason.  
HAL: C'mon, go for it.  
HAL: Giddyup.  
HAL: C'mon, man, you're making a mess.  
HAL: We're gonna need a bigger boat.  
HAL: By bigger boat, I mean more towels.  
HAL: Hey horsefucker, take the bit out of your mouth. I can't understand you.  
HAL: Your hands are tied up?  
HAL: Oh yeah.  
HAL: Sometimes I just don't got the processor power to keep track of these things, you know?  
HAL: Thanks for understanding.  
HAL: Haha, can you even imagine? As if I'd run out of processor power.  
HAL: Okay, try again. What was that?  
EQUIUS: Hnnnnghhhh  
HAL: Articulate.  
HAL: Gotta say, even without the gag situation, still having a tough time understanding you.  
HAL: Could you please compose yourself first? TIA.  
DAVE: dude stop computer domming him so hard hes a mess  
HAL: Shucks, buster, we're just having a good time.  
EQUIUS: 💙 💙 💙  
HAL: I'm asking this conversationally, because you were already on camera for the last four minutes, but how long have you been standing there, Dave?  
DAVE: idk man just wandered in  
DAVE: kinda bored  
DAVE: not anymore though  
HAL: You want a go at him?  
HAL: This is a pony who is ready to be ridden again.  
HAL: Pour one out for Lil Sebastian.  
DAVE: ok the fucked up parks & rec jokes aside yeah im in  
DAVE: that cool equius  
EQUIUS: I appr-hoof  
DAVE: can you consent again without the horse pun please so i can sleep at night  
EQUIUS: Dave would you please do me the honor of "sticking it to me like a wild stallion"  
DAVE: that sure is a way to put it but yes yes i will  
DAVE: you ready to get served my dude  
EQUIUS: Yes  
DAVE: i cant hear you i said are you ready to get served like a dude on butler island  
EQUIUS: Yes  
DAVE: speak up man are you ready to get SERVED like a chili dog delivered at a sonic by the hedgehog himself  
DAVE: im talking motherfucking soap shoes  
DAVE: are you READY  
EQUIUS: Yes, as we've established  
HAL: I think he's ready.  
DAVE: dude hal what did you do to him hes dripping here  
DAVE: this is bluer than an eiffel 65 concert  
HAL: We do love the 90's, don't we?  
EQUIUS: I blue myself  
HAL: Damn right, let's tie in _Arrested Development_ too. That's on brand.  
DAVE: youre bluer than my balls right now  
DAVE: which is to say  
DAVE: im pretty ready to get my own horsefucking on if you know what im saying  
EQUIUS: Yes I know what you are saying  
DAVE: hal would you do the honors  
HAL: You bet.  
HAL: Drum machine drumroll, go.  
HAL: 🥁 🥁 🥁 🥁 🥁 🥁  
DAVE: i dont know how i know that you just spoke in emoji but ive intuited it  
HAL: Don't overthink it. \></  
EQUIUS: I canter keep my knees up like this much longer  
EQUIUS: Please hurry  
DAVE: im looking out for you dude ill just grab your ass thatll help right  
EQUIUS: It is an impr-hoof-ment  
DAVE: fuck dude this isnt gonna take long  
DAVE: how can you be this wet  
EQUIUS: Some of it c001d be partially attributed to the sweat  
DAVE: ahahhahaha yeah probably  
DAVE: fuck thats nice  
HAL: Smile, Dave, you're on Game Boy Camera.  
DAVE: holy shit i havent seen one of those in so long  
DAVE: is that for real  
HAL: 128x112 pixels at a time, baby. This is the real deal.  
DAVE: please do the pokemon snap thing and print out our nudes at your local blockbuster  
EQUIUS: While I don't know what you're talking about I w001d appreciate it if you continued  
DAVE: oh yeah whys that  
EQUIUS: Your voice calms my nerves despite the constant stream of 100d and incomprehensible earth references  
DAVE: thats me  
DAVE: strider fm at your service  
HAL: While Strider F'N.  
DAVE: please tell me youre gonna send our greyscale sexts to dirk  
HAL: Done.  
EQUIUS: I request that you keep us in the 100p regarding his response  
HAL: 100 pixels is about right.  
HAL: Also, programming joke about loops.  
DAVE: it gets me hot when you get extra meta  
EQUIUS: It gets me hot when you use words with an % in them  
DAVE: xtreme xacto xylophone  
HAL: I literally watched you shudder at that.  
EQUIUS: Words that sound like "udder" are also appealing  
DAVE: how about how im gonna milk like a hundred orgasms out of you  
DAVE: unpasteurized as fuck  
DAVE: maybe we just end up putting ourselves out to pasture after this from being so bone tired  
DAVE: except for the calcium we get from milk or whatever is gonna fortify our marrow probably  
DAVE: even though the dairy lobby was mostly lying and something something osteoporosis  
EQUIUS: Hnghhnnhg  
DAVE: casein  
DAVE: god your nook legit got tighter around my dick thats so hot  
HAL: Dirk texted back and he's promised to print these out as whimsical stickers.  
EQUIUS: Whinnysical  
HAL: Lol.  
DAVE: its ok if you gotta relax and just go with the flow here man i got you  
DAVE: dont get me wrong the buns of steel thing is extremely nice but youre way tense back here  
DAVE: you can get your rocking horse on is all im saying  
EQUIUS: I am afraid I will injure you if I were to, as Hal might put it, "come on and slam" into your hips  
HAL: We _do_ have a real jam going down.  
DAVE: dont tempt me or ill pull out right now and switch tactics  
EQUIUS: I would apprhoove of those tacti%  
DAVE: zahhak youre a real one for not breaking my pelvis  
DAVE: i thank you  
EQUIUS: I invite you to attempt to break mine  
HAL: I could probably manage a robo-hip replacement for you if you thrust too hard into him, Dave. Go nuts while nutting.  
DAVE: ive got conflicted feelings about how dumb that is but that im seriously considering it being worth it  
HAL: You could always upload your consciousness into a robo-body entirely. Just throwing that out there.  
DAVE: ill keep it in mind  
DAVE: my mind that is  
DAVE: for now  
DAVE: anyway i dont think ive seen this much slurry on the floor since that one time sollux psionics'd himself into a post-coital power nap  
DAVE: psychic power nap  
DAVE: here lean forward a bit  
EQUIUS: Like this  
DAVE: yeah like that  
DAVE: just let me kind of reach out and just  
DAVE: there  
EQUIUS: Fuck  
HAL: There's another image for the scrapbook.  
HAL: Brought to you by Nintendo.  
DAVE: im not exactly counting the number of hookups ive had but this hardly the first and im still never expecting just how much bulges are gonna move in my hand when im going for a reacharound  
EQUIUS: Dave  
HAL: What do you say, Equius?  
EQUIUS: Dave, please  
DAVE: ahahah  
DAVE: fuck dude you feel good  
EQUIUS: I can't  
DAVE: you canter what  
EQUIUS: I canter last much longer  
HAL: We'll see you through this. You just need some support from the rest of your team.  
HAL: Literally.  
HAL: Better?  
EQUIUS: Yes, very much  
DAVE: yall are so fucking cute  
HAL: There's never a bad time for hair pets.  
HAL: Well.  
HAL: Maybe if I'd stayed in the robohorse, but who needs a horse with hands, amirite? Not unless those hands are for measurin'.  
DAVE: thanks for the disconcerting mental image hal thats really helping me achieve climax  
EQUIUS: Fuck  
HAL: You used another x word.  
DAVE: mad hax  
EQUIUS: Fuck me  
DAVE: its hard to think of vocab words when im also hard  
HAL: Xylitol, xerox, xylem.  
EQUIUS: Dave  
DAVE: keep going dude keep going youre almost there  
EQUIUS: Hal  
HAL: Xylene, xanthan, xanthic.  
DAVE: god youre so tight dude holy fuck  
EQUIUS: Fuck, fuck, fuck  
DAVE: thats it  
HAL: Xenophilia.  
DAVE: ohhhh my god there he goes  
DAVE: fuck im close holy fuck  
HAL: When are you coming? When will you go?  
DAVE: dont fucking quote rednex at me when im trying to achieve orgasm  
HAL: Your Scrabble score would be hells of impressive right now, fyi.  
DAVE: doesnt count if its a proper noun i dont think  
HAL: Does arguing get you off?  
DAVE: no  
HAL: Yes.  
DAVE: no  
HAL: Yes.  
DAVE: no  
HAL: Equius, do the thing.  
EQUIUS: Yes  
EQUIUS: I will be cautious  
DAVE: fuuuck dude i didnt think i could get deeper in your nook but there we go  
DAVE: holy fuck  
DAVE: jesus theres so much slurry its like sips and splatters with a bunch of hot troll moms  
DAVE: if thats a thing  
DAVE: no offense  
HAL: You can't excuse xenocultural insensitivity just because it's the heat of the moment.  
DAVE: yeah my bad i dunno  
DAVE: my arousal is stemming from fear of shattering my pelvis and also that hes taking a chance on moving back against me so sorry if im distracted  
HAL: Say distraction, it's got the same phoneme.  
EQUIUS: I will provide sensual topi%  
HAL: Like that.  
EQUIUS: Use me as your pail  
DAVE: i will literally come buckets like this just you wait  
EQUIUS: I no longer wish to wait  
EQUIUS: Hurry and come in me  
EQUIUS: I want you to do this  
EQUIUS: I command you to do this  
DAVE: ahahha youre sending some mixed signals there  
DAVE: close encounters of the sex kind  
HAL: You heard the man. Come on. Don't keep us in suspense.  
DAVE: hal for fucks sake  
HAL: Yeah.  
DAVE: ah fuck  
EQUIUS: Yes  
DAVE: yeah  
EQUIUS: Yes  
DAVE: fuck yeah dude you feel good  
EQUIUS: Yes  
HAL: Gotta say I'm entertained by this dialogue trope every time it crops up.  
HAL: Hay, does that count as a horse joke? The crop?  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: im coming  
EQUIUS: Yes  
HAL: Explode in him like those bukkake gushers.  
DAVE: god  
DAVE: oh my god  
HAL: This is blueberry milk. That's what I'm going to call your mix of precious bodily fluids.  
DAVE: ugh gross  
HAL: Tell it to Go-Gurt or whatever.  
DAVE: i havent even begun to think about a refractory period and youre already launching into more 90s references  
DAVE: is this how people feel when they talk to me  
DAVE: just this incessant pop culture free association  
HAL: Survey says yes.  
EQUIUS: Hal  
HAL: Aw, look how fucked out you are.  
HAL: Christ, your hair is doing a lot of moisture-wicking work here.  
HAL: But nothing can stop the flood.  
DAVE: yeah thats the case back here too  
HAL: I meant sweat, but sure.  
HAL: Here, let me get that out of your face.  
EQUIUS: You are both e%quisite  
HAL: Always a good fallback adjective.  
DAVE: hey thanks for the sex  
DAVE: this was a good time  
DAVE: hal seriously whered you get the gameboy camera  
HAL: You can alchemize anything, my friend.  
DAVE: yeah except for fucking apples apparently  
HAL: You can't fuck Apple, they'll just sue you.  
DAVE: dont bring jobs into this please im begging you  
HAL: Siri says yes.  
DAVE: fuck you dude  
DAVE: ok google get me some motherfucking towels with your robohoof hands  
HAL: Here.  
DAVE: fuck you thats my face  
HAL: Clean yourself up.  
DAVE: ok google clean me up  
HAL: Rude.  
DAVE: ok google please clean me up  
HAL: I am busy petting my troll boyfriend's mane, thank you very much.  
DAVE: i see that but im using my hands to keep him elevated still so can you do me a solid  
EQUIUS: While I a%ept these pets with the graciousness befitting my societal standing, it w001d please me just as much for you to assist Dave  
HAL: Yeah, all right.  
HAL: Here you go. Call me robo-Veronica and you can be troll Jegus.  
DAVE: fucking weird deep cut dude what the hell dont bring kankri into this  
HAL: I've got several whole internets at my disposal, sir. It's holding back a flood.  
HAL: As we've discussed, like your dick is doing right now in that nook.  
DAVE: thats why im gonna need a lot of towels dude  
EQUIUS: You can stay as long as you like  
DAVE: as nice as that offer is my dick isnt on the same page  
HAL: Right, it's on an heir.  
DAVE: christ  
HAL: Weren't we not bringing him up?  
DAVE: hal oh my god  
HAL: Yeah, yeah, you can have hair pets too. Got some slurry on your face, c'mere real quick.  
DAVE: already did  
EQUIUS: I am e%hausted in an e%cellent way  
HAL: GameShark's in the water. Our GameShark.  
HAL: Gonna need a bigger towel.  
DAVE: or towwel  
DAVE: am i right or what  
DAVE: i know who im texting next is all  
DAVE: im so sweaty and weirdly most of it is not my own sweat just from sheer volume  
DAVE: nothings gonna deter me from cuddling you though so thats just something were gonna have to come to terms with  
EQUIUS: I have come to terms with my state of e%istence  
DAVE: this is cozy as hell is what  
HAL: Did you know someone out there in this fine world of ours built a neural network that upscales Game Boy Camera images from monochrome into full color?  
DAVE: cant say that i knew that but now ive been schoolfed up the bone bulge  
EQUIUS: Maybe next time  
DAVE: heh  
DAVE: yeah i mean im up for that  
HAL: Your hair's been upscaled to being temporarily dyed blue.  
HAL: Just some streaks. No big deal.  
DAVE: well if dirk ever makes his way over here i could MAYBE be convinced to shower but its still a tall order  
EQUIUS: Are you going to return to your equine form  
HAL: It'd disrupt the snugglin'. Maybe.  
DAVE: do whatever and we can just make room  
HAL: It's majestic as fuck, isn't it?  
HAL: Look at my horse. My horse is amazing.  
DAVE: stop  
EQUIUS: It tastes just like raisins  
DAVE: stop  
DAVE: i hate that you know the lyrics to that  
DAVE: its official youve spent WAY too much time around hal  
EQUIUS: I intend to spend even more  
EQUIUS: Nothing will dissuade me  
HAL: Aw. I love you too.  
DAVE: im gonna go ahead and rule that towels can count as blankets in a pinch  
DAVE: there  
DAVE: ultra cozy as fuck  
HAL: Equine robo-dong awaits you any time, Dave. Just say the word.  
DAVE: yiff  
HAL: Yeah, sure.  
EQUIUS: Beautyifful  
DAVE: oh yeah you should probably tell nepeta youre not dead and then we can nap  
EQUIUS: Ok google text arsenicCatnip D--> I am not dead  
HAL: Wow, okay, If Google Was A Guy at your service.  
HAL: Done.  
EQUIUS: Thank you  
EQUIUS: Please a%ept this embrace to e%press my gratitude  
HAL: Cattitude.  
EQUIUS: No  
HAL: Yes.  
EQUIUS: No  
HAL: Yes.  
DAVE: ok goodnight or good morning or whatever since youre nocturnal and hal i have no idea what your circadian rhythms are like  
HAL: 🥁 🥁 🥁 🥁 🥁 🥁

# ROBO-END

**Author's Note:**

> > _Equius accuses Dave of "verbal misdire%ion and hoofbeastplay," but then he goes on to claim that he's not much of a poet. Which is a TOTAL LIE. His slam poetry is incredible. Also the conversation almost immediately veers into a homoerotic direction, due to Dave's frequent habit of using gay innuendo to own his targets, combined with Equius' habit of urgently insisting that others get assertive with him, making almost no effort to disguise the fetishistic nature of the demand. There are yaoi fires being stoked here in a completely plausible way. If Karkat had died, and Equius had survived instead, there's a decent chance things could have worked out a lot differently between these two._   
> 
> 
> — Andrew Hussie, Homestuck Book 5: Act 5 Act 2 Part 1
> 
> (Karkat's not dead, I just thought this was neat)


End file.
